Letter to a dream…

Just now when the moon is my only companion, with her glimmering rays the wind whispers every letter of his name and with each one there is a memory attached.

I imagine you in every silhouette that hangs from my bedroom. To me you are more than a memory, more than a set of letters, more than a man; you are a part of me, you are the breath in the mornings that keeps me alive and wanting to live.

I wish I could make a vocabulary that would allow me to describe you, because that’s who you are: sweeter than the word itself, more important than importance in my heart, this humble human heart_____ that makes mistakes, that fears, that cries, that laughs____ that becomes stronger as memories pass with illusions and dreams we built together in days like these.

I wish you could hear how I beat with your songs. I wish I could be with you at least in your dreams, you are always in mine. I am sorry but I am going to have to fail you. I can’t forget you, not even a little.

You know? It hurts not to have kissed you a thousand times more, to not have whispered all those words that got stuck in my throat, to not explore your skin until I memorized it with my fingertips and my lips and my eyes.

My fingers and lips and eyes.

And my lips and my eyes.

(Eyes that have always been yours and I stole the day I was born)

Here I am once more, naked in my bedroom,

Smoking life, consuming my existence.

With dried tears on my cheeks, salted with impotence, sweetened with memories

Filled with you, with me, with us, life.

But specially with that night I will never forget and you said you wouldn’t either. All I have left is the sweetest reflection of those caresses, the shadow of your body in mine, the echo of your voice that once said:

I love you.

In living flesh with your soft tongue and lips, soft as no other, smooth like silk, filled with desire and love that might be the first and last time I feel. Because like you there is no other, like I love you, never. Because my stubbornness won’t allow me to forget you.                  Never                  I adjudicate it, because we were one before we met, body to body, soul to soul, at the same rhythm, same compass, teaching each other, because like you, it was my first time, first and last time I will make love, unless you come back one day, a day like today, a day like those where you feel something will happen and nothing ever does.

Because this time, it wasn’t just me,
naked in the room
Because you were here too,
Hours passed by like minutes
Morning came and I didn’t care
I was fading in your arms,
trembling,
I didn’t feel lost with you,
you warmed my frozen body as I did yours.
They said nothing is forever, but my ingenuity convinced me that this could be. We wanted the night to last forever.

To stay like that a lifetime____ we wanted to cheat time____ convince it that it can be extended beyond a clock, further than some clumsy watch hands, but more importantly, beyond us, beyond responsibilities.

Static in a feeling.

One of those that only great writers make us understand
that only some dare say or think, even.
Feelings I don’t want to let go
carrying dreams and hopes within them
that once entwined two lives
that sounded like honey, like anise
like your scent, the sweetest thing to exist, like you.

Someday I wrote you that I wouldn’t give up and I stand by it, for your love I would do whatever necessary.

Because I am stubbornly holding onto the castle of your soul, your golden temples, your mirror glaze that reflects me so purely.

Blurred with loneliness…

Sadness with drops of hope, diluted in the rain that wetted your body as you slept (as you slept tireless and ethereal)                dreaming of strangers that might not be sincere. I was looking for truth through a lie (I failed) one lie cost me everything, one. Only one, there’s nothing to forgive…

Does that mean you won’t?

That you didn’t?

My mind tangles up in images that I thought lost and found on an unimportant day, becoming the liquor that left my soul drunk,

Drunk of you,
To keep costume.
To keep this body alive with an incessant sharp pain.

That won’t stop stalking me every instant             every minute     becoming absurd and miserable. Turning my body into a sterile field with damned memories.

Damn the day I fell in love with you and decided to never turn back even if you went away forever!
Damn me for this incalculable fatalism that absorbs me little by little, bit by bit, too much, sometimes.

Leaving me weak, unable to open my eyes.
Damn you that you haven’t done what you promised! I don’t mean it, I couldn’t. But it makes me so mad to trust you so and   ah, a taste of my own medicine.

Bitter medicine that won’t cure any pain or this sickness of you.

Justice by your own hand.
Divine hand that touched the untouchable, the unmovable, the endless, the sacred, the feminine. Everything. Nothing… me.
I’m still dazed by the screaming illusions that sunk me tragically in panic.. that broke me, everywhere.

The echoes of your voices swallow me.

Your laugh

Your silence

Your cynic breathing wringing out whatever breath left from my chest, my sudden hesitation of forgetting you or not, because I know that there is a great chance that you will do that to me, that you will turn me into a memory, the type you seek to forget (that one pretends tries, tries, tries) that you kill me forever... from your world…

That world which I’m not sure if I ever truly belonged to.

That you turn me to dust, forgotten dust through the years, barely noticeable.

I
don’t
want
to
be
a
shadow

I
don’t
want
to
be
dust.

Oblivion.

A name you’ll hardly remember, a featureless face, voiceless, with my words of_love_ shredded in a trash can, years behind. There, where I left most of me.
I’m losing control of my senses, my words, your chords…
Your chords. The absorbing collection of notes, seducing you each night your muse wanted, collecting its dues by taking your sleep and kissing you where I never could reach.

You didn’t let me.
You didn’t give me a chance to even know that place.

That place filled with childish romantic, belated cries.

Even in another reality, I couldn’t stop thinking about you…
Having this unknown man,  sinister even.
Warmth to calm this need. Even then I couldn’t but remember you.
Memories cram noisily in my mind, they seem so real, so alive.
Your gestures make me sick, your simple vital functions palpitate deep inside me. I don’t know what to do with this obsession of memories, it’s tearing apart my senses, distorting my mind, fragmenting my words.

Where are you?

Where?

In that place where I lost you once? Inevitably.
The place you don’t want to leave, where your tears where born. Where the sweat running from your skin (god’s skin irate and eternal) was trying to take what made you feel miserable. Where you
ran                                         and ran                                  and ran                                
and when I ran you couldn’t, you wouldn’t understand me                                    and ran
And you wanted to
                                wanted to
                                                wanted to
                                                                I wanted to
Leave the pain in your footprints, on the pavement, on the dirt, on the scarce air, you wanted to stop being, I didn’t know you existed, and even without knowing, I was in-love with you, but now I pretend to forget you like smoke of a cigarette, to get your words out of my chest every time I exhale, to burn you, throw away the ashes and let you go.

I know I said I wouldn’t let myself forget you…

But I feel helpless, trapped in an alley where the only way out is a deadly solution, I can’t do this anymore, I crumble every second. Pretending is not easy, it’s a complication of reason, of feeling, of thinking, of existence. To try to avoid or to close my eyes every time I sink deeper into this hole.
I’ve thought about it, yes.
To end this definitively, to sail into a painless state.
I hardly feel the conviction to breathe, but I hold on to your breath on my lips and breathe once again as to hold on to you memory.
Since the very moment I pulled away from you, I knew this pain would come and even if it’s

days

or

months

Like now, I tie you with all my strength so you won’t sail away in the oceans of my tears, of my sobs, of my sorrows, sometimes they become wild and take over me.
They take over my feeble fleeting body.
That sometimes keeps me afoot.
Other times it screams and dissolves in silence.

You and your twilight eyes, that steal my breath every time they want.
You and your guitar voice that poisons by body.
I slide between this endless smoke trying to find you, you are always there. In the same place, with the same sweet smile, looking at me as only you can, caressing me without touch, deep, deep inside of me.
I find myself in an abyss of confusion that makes my body heavier. It hurts. It hurts so much to let go of the dreams you most wanted, but it hurts more that you don’t love me, that your love for me became liking, there is a big distance between one and the other. Everything stopped being so shinny.
The day comes and is not a miracle anymore,
                                                                is the sun’s costume,
                                                                                and I don’t feel like I’m floating away from the pavement,
now it pulls me harshly as if trying to remind me where I really belong.
I don’t feel the tears in my face anymore, there’s been so many I’m surprised I haven’t withered already...