1,2 & 3

1.

Everything is different now, dreams take me back to an ancient being that seems a stranger now.
I look at myself through the eyes of that stranger and see my true self.
I see you as something foreign; a mist of paint burns my eyes.
Yes.
You are something foreign.
A shadow that swallows my face.
A silhouette that has intoxicated my body.
Nameless, voiceless, without essence.
You don’t even belong to me.
You recognize me through the white mist and smile; featureless, with your plain face. I don’t know how you are looking at me, you have no eyes.
Your smile stares at me and I vanish before the devastating charm of your nothingness.
Suddenly I realize that I’m in that place again. I look at the sky as cerulean as that time when I wasn’t here, not really, when I read and he was kissing my forehead. I smiled back at you, but I didn’t know who you were then.
Now I think I know, I know you and you know me. Now we kiss and we like each other.

Do you know who I am?
You know me and we are here again.

Why do we do this? I close my eyes, and I hear a muffled scream, my body is yelling, warning me something, but I don’t know what it is. The image is blurry as if there was water in my eyes. I don’t know what I’m looking at, I just feel the silhouettes forming one body, one color. I sharpen my senses, but the memory doesn’t become more real, of course it’s just a memory. Nothing else. That can be diluted as time passes around me or that can stay incrusted willfully in my chest.
A memory or two.
A lifetime or two.
A life, like a tireless sea filled with memories?
Or is it a transient memory filled with lifetimes?
Lives that come and go, like an interrupted halo of light, lives that dissolve, separate or break.
I am just human.
But is there something inside me I can’t comprehend?
I kneel and feel the cold floor. It's scorching my skin.
I put my hands on the ground and give myself to it.
I give myself to this small space of ground that surrounds me wildly, that keeps trying to drag me to a place I don’t understand.
I give myself to the delirium.
How can I stop a drop of water from drying?

2.

Everything has an owner now, everything has a price. Only I belong to myself. I look through the windows and realize nothing is mine. I look at myself and I don’t recognize me. I’m afraid, I’ll admit. I know what I have to do, but the fear transforms me. Thick flows of water break the windows and drown my face. I’m alone and this loneliness is eating me gently so I can’t oppose it.
I close my eyes and fade into myself. There is no gender, there is nothing.
Only me and this reddish darkness coming through my closed eyes.
I’m scared, I claim in silence for a comforting sound, but find only the echo of my thoughts. Something is going to happen that’s for sure. But what will I be in it. I don’t know. Breathe... There’s no smell. Open your eyes, someone whispers. My mind reminds me my physical body still oscillating where that doesn’t exist.
You look at my eyes attentively. Stripping the retina, the iris. Then the fear disappears as if it never existed. You smile, and as cause and effect, I do too. Strength and passion come back to my veins. My body starts working again, my soul is no longer wandering naked through inexplicable places. I have returned, perhaps for a short time. But I am here, with you. Thinking of what exists. Thinking of your wings and how far I want you to take me with them, even If you don’t stay with me or I with you.

To fill myself with you.
For a moment to feel myself through you.
Look at myself with your eyes
Kiss myself with your mouth
Touch myself with your hands
Penetrate my fissures
And feel myself mine.
Olive green, we are olive green.

3.

-Are you all right? He asked me with his mint and anise breath

-Olive green, we are olive green. I whisper into his neck, whilst my tongue traces invisible figures that make him tremble. I remember every moment of what just happened and my body trembles as well.
This time I don’t want to close my eyes. I would sink again in a sea of thoughts, would abandon my beloved, escape to loneliness. This time I wouldn’t be able to take it.
He puts his fingers around my waist and falls asleep slowly… I do the same a couple minutes after.

It’s eleven forty-nine at night. The smoke of my cigarette fills my lungs, the taste of tobacco makes my lips tingle, my throat too. It’s a cold day, February fourth to be exact. I’m pensive, wishing I could sleep. To turn this world off, go into a different one, one that is different but yet the same. The cold won’t let me think as quick as words start forming abruptly in my head. The future, the past, the present are yelling at me constantly.

I think of you.

Of me.

Of the roads I’ll transit tomorrow. If there is one. Since today catches up to it always, as darkness besets light way before it gets there. In how I am looking for something I most likely don’t have. In how I don’t want to realize, not completely at least. I think of the words that feel so far away from me. A strange anxiousness pushes sleep away, keeping me awake, don’t know with what purpose. Maybe I should stay awake and wait to see if anything happens, as I try to convince myself every time.

Nothing ever does.
Just time.

Only time passes by. Things are as they should be, the stars travel the celestial sphere, most people sleep, dream, or they don’t remember. I write. For you, for me, for everyone. I look at myself closely in the mirror and I don’t recognize these features, as if my appearance didn’t match everything I am. Only my eyes, clear eyes that say more than they should.

When I don’t see myself I know who I am.

When I see myself, I don’t know who I am.

When someone else sees me, I can be.

In the end, there is no end. There is always something after, it’s inevitable, eternal, even if it’s not the same. Like that, just like that. Sometimes there’s no reason, no motive, just decisions, sensations. I wonder what matters most. I don’t know. To think that in a surge of emotions I was going to get rid of everything. Because I preferred to keep memories in my mind, not in my pockets. I understood after that I couldn’t touch those memories. I couldn’t wring them in my hands hoping they became real again.

I couldn’t and I can’t.

I wish I could escape these feelings, close my eyes and imagine nothing is happening.

Imagine I can feel.

I think of all the good times and I smile, despite everything. A strange confusion dirties everything, covering it with a heaviness that pours from my eyes languishingly.

The alarm clock rings and he turns it off annoyed, kisses me in the cheek, says good morning and I smile with my eyes closed. I don’t want him to see that I've been crying all night.

Oh, my love, if you knew everything that crosses my mind.

Would you look at me less sweetly?

Would you hold on to this cursed body with the same eagerness?

This cursed body filled with doubt, desires, mania, anxiousness.

Filled with fears.